What's on my mind!???

Hello All,

It has been sometime since I have put all of my thoughts down on the blog, so I have a little free time and thought I would do just that. I have had so much on my mind lately and I guess I need the therapy of getting it out in the open.
I could not be happier with my home life. I truly feel so lucky to have the little family that I have. My heart smiles just thinking about it. I have a true partner in this family that I know loves me more than anything. I have had some pretty bad relationships and I think it has taken me 6 years to finally trust that Mike is not one of them. He is truly an amazing person. So forgiving of my faults and so patient with my crazy ways and not to mention a unbelievable father. My girls are the lights of my life. They are both perfect in everyway, even my crazy 2 year old that wakes me in the middle of the night asking for ice cream. I would not trade my life for anything.
I also have some truly amazing friends. Friends that I have had for a lifetime and friends that I have only had for 6 or so years. I pride myself in being the best friend that I can be. And believe me, that was not always the case. At one point in my life I was far from a good friend or even a good person. I was scared to get too close to anyone so as soon as my friendship with someone was coming up on a year I would have to change my ways and find someone else. I know that this sounds silly, but growing up I was always "shit" on by girlfriends and so this became a defense mechanism from high school on. When I got to college a lot of things changed and I met some amazing people, friends that I never thought I would find. I lived in an apartment complex with some really awesome people. That is how I made my college friends, was the apartment that Marci and I moved into. We all had such a great time and became a small family. Of course after college we all went different directions vowing to never lose touch with one another. Of course it was never the same and some I have not seen in 10+ years, but I know that these girls are true friends. I could call them up right now and I would never doubt that they would be there for me. I thank-you Melrose girls for such a wonderful experience with true friends. After moving to Austin I remained friends with some other girls that I had met in college. We had such a great time and to this day I remember somthing and I will laugh. Like when I get down about something, in my head I hear "put your shoes on and go to the gym get out from under the covers" thanks Becca- I still hear you saying this. It is the little things that make me smile about my friendships. It was the hardest thing in the world for me to leave Austin and move to Houston. I cherished my friendships so much. I have remained close to a couple of my friends there, we talk at least once or twice a week if not more. Then there are the close friendships that have fizzled out. That happens, that kind of brings me to my point of this paragraph. I have had the problem of being too much of a friend at times. I feel like my friendships with a couple of people have been totally taken for granted. I guess when you step back and look at things you can see more clearly. I think that I was too much of a friend and that it was a one sided friendship. I am 33 and I am over that. I am over being friends with people that are not willing to be friends to me. Becca has tried to make me see this for years and I think I am finally seeing it. I don't need friends in my life that I wonder if I was in need of them tomorrow...would they be there? Or am I the one they call when no one else will answer? It is kind of like a break up and it sure makes me sad, but I know that in the end my real friends are there for me no matter. I know I have mentioned the people that have come back into my life from high school and before, and I think that the reason they are in my life now and not then was because I was not able to truly cherish them. I was not able to cherish the real friendships that they were trying to offer me. Wow, this does sound silly, again my brain is a silly place to be at times. When you have kids a lot of things change for you and for the people you are friends with. It is more of an effort to talk on the phone or go out and do things, but if it is truly worth it to you then it can be done. Life throws curve balls at you and sometimes you just have to take a step back and see what the true meaning of the curve ball is.
Monday will be 3 years since I lost my daddy. I can not believe it has been that long. It seems like just yesterday I was standing in the hospital when he died. I think his death should have been an eye opener for me too, about true friendships anyways. Breezy will never ever know how she made me feel when I saw her and her family at his funeral. I think about it often and I know that she is one of those friends that would give me the shirt off of her back (it would be way to small for me, but I know she would give it to me). I remember my brothers friends all flying in to be with him and not one of mine did. It shouldn't be about that, I know that it shouldn't. But, I think at the worst time in my life that I would have had some support from my out of town friends. I can't blame Amber on this one, she tried her hardest and I wouldn't let her drive by herself when she was 9 months pregnant. I know I would have been on the next flight out if one of me "best" friends had lost a parent. This has bothered me since then, and this is the first time I have said anything about it. I guess getting it out will help me to close the door and move on. I miss my daddy so much, but know that he loved me so much and I know that he would have loved my precious girls.
I am going to put this to an end and be satisfied with clearing my chest. I thank-you my amazing friends for showing me what a true friend is, and for opening my eyes to what it is not.

Much Love,
McF